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  A dose of laughter...
« on: February 16, 2016, 21:14:16 PM » by xanthus
Tought I'd start a tread, to lighten up the mood



A man with a gun goes into a bank and robs the bank.

Once he has been given the money, he turns to a customer and asks: "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

So the robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turns to a couple standing nearby and asks the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"



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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2016, 19:29:40 PM » by xanthus

Tough to be Irish

Posted: 2/22/2016
 
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f**** Arabs."

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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2016, 20:21:00 PM » by seagull
Give us more. Grin
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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2016, 17:42:34 PM » by xanthus
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #4 on: March 08, 2016, 19:31:39 PM » by xanthus
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were hunting buffalo one day to no avail. Tonto jumps off his horse, puts his ear to ground and says, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger asks, "How do you know that?" Tonto replies, "Ear sticky."
 Grin
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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2016, 06:27:05 AM » by xanthus
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.  "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."  "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."  "No problem," the tired Marine assured him.  "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.  "Never better."  The manager was impressed.  No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"  "Nope, I shut him up in no time."  Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.  "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Vote: Joke has 85.24 % from 620 votes. Send joke:
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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2016, 06:45:17 AM » by xanthus
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.  One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.  As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?  You have been with me all through the bad times.  When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were there.  When I got shot, you were by my side.  When we lost the house, you stayed right here.  When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"  "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.  ”I think you're bad luck."
Vote: Joke has 83.37 % from 936 votes. Send joke:
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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2016, 08:58:19 AM » by magnum
 Grin
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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2016, 10:27:34 AM » by xanthus
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."   Grin
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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2016, 10:31:52 AM » by xanthus

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2016, 10:50:02 AM » by magnum
Good one  Grin
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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2016, 06:52:30 AM » by xanthus
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2016, 08:30:19 AM » by magnum
Grin another good one. To tell the truth there's more to worry than laugh at the moment. As the EU Commission's proposals stand there's a very real threat to the survival of target shooting sports as well as recreational shooting and gun ownership in general! Do keep in touch with all that is happening and wherever possible help by effective lobbying. We can contact our MP's and MEP's to show our support for a strong stand against fireams bans and discriminatory policies.
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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #13 on: September 08, 2016, 07:01:34 AM » by xanthus
A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
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  Re: A dose of laughter...
« Reply #14 on: September 08, 2016, 07:12:09 AM » by xanthus
A Pilot Reminisces


A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidt's."

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 (Read 1924 times) [1] 2
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